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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems