BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.