Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!