It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.