4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦‍♀️
You Might Also Like
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
this makes me so uncomfortable
? đź’€
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I have a type: disappointing
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?