Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Good morning.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…