Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*