Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
You Might Also Like
Don’t talk down to me
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
yes… yes…
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
crochet youtube is brutal
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.