Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Yup!
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.