Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
You Might Also Like
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants