I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
😂😂😂😂😂😂
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it