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grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.