[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
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Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck