RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I feel seen.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.