My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
“Sheer Arrogance”
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.