My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
when someone compliments me
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man