Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
This made me chuckle.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
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My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.