The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
You Might Also Like
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”