Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside