I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.