I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
never compromise your values
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
concern
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.