WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Posting this on behalf of a friend