I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
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handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me