*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
You Might Also Like
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Great game to play with friends
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.