I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
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Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”