our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
You Might Also Like
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.