Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
If only.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone