If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
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I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.