Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
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#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!