If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
You Might Also Like
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I can’t stop watching this.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
WTF
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: