When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.