KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution