I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
You Might Also Like
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
why no one uses midhusbands
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”