Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
A choir of Spring onions
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Me too 😆
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.