Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
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“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Canadian owl: Eh?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.