I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
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When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
How to draw a duck
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop