I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
You Might Also Like
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.