Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
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Seismologists are loyal to a fault
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Ah..makes sense now
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug