Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?