confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Do not levitate over flowers
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Autocarrot sucks!
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.