My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?