my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.