Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
what could possibly go wrong?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.