If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.