Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
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Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”