I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
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For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.