Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Follow me for more life hacks.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.