Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
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Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.