It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Yeah. This was me today.
Breaking news:
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something