My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?